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Divorce is a Crazy Time!
Divorce is one of the most difficult challenges we can face as a
human being. The most important relationship of our lives is ending. Our
best friend and lover is no longer. Some say it’s worse than the death
of a spouse, because the corpse is alive, and often your enemy. It can be
crushing. If the experience is fresh for you and you are reeling from its
pain, our hearts go out to you. We have been there personally, and understand
some of what you might be experiencing.
We would encourage anyone going through divorce to seek
out a divorce care and recovery group in their area, to help them through
this difficult time. While individual therapy or pastoral counseling can
be helpful, the group support will be particularly helpful. We have been
offering such a group several times a year at our church and you can get
information about the group by visiting Divorce
Recovery and Loss Workshop. If you are not in our area, check out your local yellow pages,
or contact one of the larger churches in your area who might direct you to
such a place. Please let us know if we can help you in any way.
Here are some questions you may have:
Some people who consider
divorce, would rather work it out instead!
Great! Most people who marry go through hard times; times when
they think they made a mistake and would opt out of there marriage if they
could or if it was easy. Much of the problem here has to do with our expectations
and our feelings. We will not feel “good,” or “happy” all
the time in our marriages. It’s partly because life is difficult and
we live with and through those difficulties with those closest too us, hence
the rub. Another part is because very often our expectations about marriage
are really immature as we begin, and as we mature and change, conflicts may
arise or feelings may tank for a while. This doesn’t mean your relationship
is over, and it doesn’t mean you never loved each other. It means that
you are growing and changing as any living organism does, and it means you
have some things to face and deal with so you can continue to mature and grow
together. Those feelings can be a wake up call to get to working together on
your marriage.
Can I save my marriage?
Certainly there is much you can do, by trying to diffuse whatever
bitter feelings you may have and try to create an environment of grace, openness
and respect instead. Ultimately though, it takes both of you to work at keeping
your marriage alive. If you are separated, or divorcing or considering it,
here are some “basic requirements” that are needed to make your
marriage work, or to reconcile. Just sharing the “same roof” again
has little to do with reconciliation.
- First it requires an honest evaluation of past problems and personal
mistakes on both of your parts. It means facing any destructive behaviors,
attitudes, selfishness or addictions. But facing them is only the beginning,
- It also requires mutual regret and true forgiveness as well as a desire
and plan to change. If we keep doing the same things, we will get the same
results. If we try to move forward while harboring bitterness, our progress
will be shallow. Check out the link to Forgiveness if you wish to learn more.
- Too often people think they can save their marriage over a weekend of
recommitment. It can certainly start there, but it takes time to rebuild
trust and allow the emotions to heal and to begin a new journey with a corrected
course together.
- A very healthy ingredient can be faith. Finding a faith
community to encourage and support you can be vital to your life together.
Learning from the scriptures and getting connected with God, can be the
glue that can keep your marriage tight and strong and value driven. We encourage
you to find a faith community in your area that can be that for you.
What about the kids if I divorce?
Some folks stay in a bad marriage for the sake of the kids, while
others leave a bad marriage for the sake of the kids. A bad marriage shouldn’t
be tolerated for any reason. It wasn’t meant to be that way and together
you and your spouse can make it better if you are focused and willing. You
deserve that and so do your children. While children may weather the storms
of divorce, longitudinal studies show that many don’t do well. In the
book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, Judith Wallerstein shows the long term
effect to children can be devastating. It’s worth reading if you are
seriously considering divorce. If your children are in physical harms way,
then certainly as a parent, we must separate at least, to protect them. Short
of physical harm though, it is in the best interest of the children to work
very hard at getting this marriage on track before serious thought of divorce
is considered.
When do I know it’s over?
Too often one or/both spouses give up too early. Or couples “go
through the motions of working on it” with our minds already disconnected,
or on another relationship, or without the belief that anything could ever
change. If we put the great effort into our relationships now that we did when
we first got together, they truly have every chance of becoming wonderful again.
Too often I hear couples say they can’t afford the counseling that might
save their marriage. Frankly, if you consider the real and collateral costs
of divorce you would do everything you can to work on it. Very often the kind
of help we need doesn’t require counseling as much as it requires openness,
humility and putting your mate first.
Couples who recently participated in a national survey were asked
to rate their marriages on a scale from “one” to “seven,” with “one” being
very unhappy and “seven” being very happy. In this study, those
who rated their marriages as a “one” had incredible turnarounds
just five years later -- if they stayed together. In fact, 77 percent who had
given their marriages a rating of “one”, gave their marriages a “seven” five
years later. Sure the couples worked on their relationships, but much of what
they did was just ride through the “lows.” Another study revealed
that a large number of marriages that ended in divorce were not “bad” marriages
necessarily. In fact, 60 percent who were considered in this study had average
levels of positive interaction and only average levels of conflict before their
divorces. Some marriages probably need to end, but many can survive and even
thrive if the couples are aware that things can change and that they can learn
and grow together again.
If my feelings seem dead for my mate, doesn’t that mean
my marriage is dead?
Very often people tell me they just don’t love their spouse
anymore. For them “love” is a feeling and it’s important
to understand that feelings for everyone change. No one feels “loving” all
the time. Often in relationships, when some of our personal needs aren’t
being met by our spouse, we loose those “love” feelings for each
other. Our “love tanks” get empty. Often hurtful things said, or
neglect or selfishness, further that distance between us until one day we wonder
if we ever really loved the person at all. That’s what I call the “Never
loved illusion,” and it’s nonsense. Of course you did! You courted
and cuddled and cried; shared bodies, had babies, took walks under the stars
and dreamed together. You loved, for sure, but staying “in love” is
a choice of your will that you need to continue to choose. If you continue
to put the needs of your spouse first, very often, their response to you will
change and all the feelings you had before and even more will return. Check
out some of our resources under Go for a Great Marriage.
Is Divorce happening as often as they say?
Statistics say that around 50% of marriages end in divorce. That
is true of younger marriages and less true of older marriages. Second or third
marriages even have a higher rate of divorce than that. Perhaps we haven’t
learned as much as we think we have. What is most disturbing is how apathetic
we have become about those statistics. If 50% of the planes that flew, fell
out of the sky and crashed and burned we would be up in arms and finding reasons
and solutions, and yet with divorce, we are just getting used to it as a society.
Kind of like long lines at the grocery store, or high gas prices. The statistics
are high, but they don’t need to include you.
Will the pain of divorce ever go away?
For a while it may seem like it will last forever, but it doesn’t.
Your life is forever changed, but there is life after divorce and it can even
be great. Generally the first year is very difficult, but how long and deep
the pain lasts depends on many factors, including your willingness to process
the grief and whether you choose to learn and grow through this very challenging
experience. That’s why we believe a divorce recovery group workshop is
so important, because there are people there to encourage you and even coach
you through the process.
In our lives, many of us have been so busy making a living, raising kids,
keeping busy with sports and leisure, that we never spent a lot of time looking
at ourselves, our attitudes, behaviors and our character that impacts our relationships.
This can be a period of strong personal growth for you, and because of that
it can open up a whole new world of possibilities, happiness, and relationships
when you find yourself whole once again. Don’t give up, keep looking
up.
What is happening isn’t fair… how do I make things
right?
Plenty of things aren’t fair in life and usually one or
both people going through a divorce feel that way about their situation. Still,
try to be fair yourself in the way you behave and conduct yourself. It’s
not easy to do that. It’s natural to want to fight fire with fire, but
it really makes for a bigger and bigger fire when you do. Do you need that?
Often couples realizing that are waiting for the other person to make the move
first. Don’t wait. You be the one that helps calm the storm if you can
and as you can. It won’t happen over night because you didn’t get
to this place of confusion over night. It starts with little steps, but get
it started. In time if you do, there is no doubt that kindness and fairness,
rather than retaliation, will win the day. Truth has no value unless it is
lived. It will all come back to you in time. One day your children will thank
you for that attitude.
10 Pearls of Wisdom for The Formerly Married!!
- Don’t live in the past, choose today.
- Don’t feel sorry for yourself….indefinitely!
- Share the blame; look at your part too.
- Don’t try to dissolve your pain with a new relation or quick remarriage
- Don’t use your children to hurt your ex, encourage their love.
- Don’t speak evil of your ex in front of the kids.
- Learn all you can about single parenting and get on with living.
- Ask others for help when you need it.
- Ask God for the wisdom and courage to bury yesterday, to create today
and to plan for tomorrow.
- The greatest deterrent to your children adjusting to their new life is
their angry parents. Learn how to get over it !
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